


The road from your bed looks long

by AnnyFay



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Or At Least I Tried
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 10:55:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14851406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnyFay/pseuds/AnnyFay
Summary: A mosaic of Lewis and Nico's relationship over the years.





	The road from your bed looks long

**Author's Note:**

> At first I thought I would finish writing it pretty quickly, but then it dragged on for weeks. I tried to be as accurate as possible regarding dates/places/whatever (I hope I did a good job and the sleepless nights doing research were worth it).

**1998**

Lewis was used to the feeling of being an outcast.

The black kid from school, the promising kart-driver whose father had to work day and night to support his dream while the other boys had it all too easily. It made him more determined and confident, though.

He knew it was time he had a go at the European competitions when he managed to get signed to Mclaren’s young driver programme. His family moved to Rome when he was 13 to make it possible. Lewis wanted it so badly nothing could stand in his way. Nothing and no one.

He heard the kid had all eyes on him, some son from some world champion. Lewis thought to himself he would make them realise one cannot simply inherit talent.

Nico Rosberg had a frowned expression as his father gave him the last pieces of advice before the race. Lewis observed as the blond shook his head for the eighth time impatiently. Nico seemed so arrogant, almost as if he thought all of that was only a question of formality and that he already had his spot guaranteed on the hall of fame.

Lewis hated him already, which helped him set his mind on not only winning the race but showing everyone there was nothing special about the golden boy.

And as he stood on the podium above the German, he could feel the other’s gaze directed at him, but he purposely ignored it so as to make it clear he already knew they weren’t even on the same level.

Lewis was carrying his trophy to his father’s car when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to find Nico looking at him with a shy smile on his face.

“Hey, you were great back there. I don’t think we’ve met before, have we?”

Lewis’ eyes widened slightly as he processed the sudden approach. All his first impressions of Nico crumbled down in his head the moment he saw the blond’s puerile expression of admiration. Somehow, all he could do was be nice.

“No, we haven’t. Nico, eh? I’m Lewis, by the way.”

“I know. Ron Dennis’ protégé.” The German’s smile broadened “Well, I can see why.”

They held each other’s gaze until Anthony’s voice called Lewis from somewhere in the parking lot. “Gotta go… I’ll see you around”.

Lewis kept looking back as he walked away.

 

That holy damn unicycle.

Whenever Nico went around riding that bloody thing, Lewis would hope he ended up falling or at least tripping; nothing serious, just enough to stop his show-off. Once, Lewis accepted his invitation to try riding the damn thing. He kept one hand on Nico’s shoulder just in case something went wrong.

Which of course it did.

He managed to stay on it for no more than ten seconds before falling sideways on top of Nico, who was already choking on his own laugh. They stayed on the ground as Lewis covered the other’s mouth and suppressed his own giggle by burying his face in Nico’s shoulder.

“I can’t breathe, idiot!” Nico uttered and Lewis finally let go. They stood up, Lewis coming closer to the blond with an intimidating expression.

“I swear, Nico, if you tell anyone about this—“

“C’mon, you can’t be the best at everything.” Nico chuckled as he got on his unicycle and started circling the other with an annoying grin.

 _We’ll see_ , Lewis thought.

 

* * *

 

**2000**

It was Nico’s fifteenth birthday and they went to an Arcade together with Sebastian (whose friendship with Nico annoyed the crap out of Lewis because they would only speak in German with each other), Robert and Fernando, some other kids from go-karting who he and Nico used to hang out with when the two of them fancied an audience for their competitions.

Lewis let Nico win one round of Street Fighter because it was his birthday.

Later, they parted company with the other boys as they went on their ways and Lewis agreed to sleep over at Nico’s. That happened so often it started feeling like a second home for Lewis.

Clearly, they never slept straight away. Their conversation would go on until they became too tired – which didn’t happen easily. Lewis was used to getting on Nico’s bed so they didn’t have to shout across the room at each other. The blond leaned against the headboard, Lewis sat facing him.

“Sorry man, I didn’t get you anything,” To be honest, Lewis had had a hard time thinking of a single thing the German didn’t already have. Everything seemed meaningless and useless.

Nico beamed at the apology as he usually did when Lewis showed at least a bit of self-consciousness.

“You kidding? You got me the best birthday ever, Lewis.”

It didn’t feel like them speaking so freely about the usual joy one brought to the other, even though it was obviously there. Lewis shifted uncomfortably in bed; something in Nico’s sincerity was both scary and vicious. He laughed it off, unable to sustain the blond’s incessant stare.

“C’mon, just because I let you win once? For my birthday, you gave me that Senna miniature and I just couldn’t figure out something as cool as that for your birthday. I promise I will.”

The miniature sat on his bedside table and whenever he woke up in the middle of the night he would get a glimpse of it and feel somehow a bit more at ease. This effect, the _Nico effect_ , was so known to Lewis he had become quite dependable on the other.

He was so caught up in the memory of his own birthday and Nico’s sweet gift he didn’t notice the blond had been looking at him with wide, awed eyes. Lewis froze instantly, not quite certain of what to do. Nico came closer, sitting on his knees as he bent forward and whispered:

“Uh, I guess there’s one thing you could give me.”

And even though his voice was suggestive and his body language was suggestive and the way his hand cupped the side of Lewis’ face was definitely suggestive, none of them seemed completely aware of what was about to happen.

Their lips brushed against each other swiftly causing a storm of thoughts to invade Lewis’ mind immediately. He pulled away instinctively, not because he felt it was wrong, but maybe because nothing in his life had seemed so right.

 “I’m so sorry!” Nico quavered, “I thought… I don’t really know what I thought, Lewis, I…”

He ran his fingers through his golden locks repeatedly as he usually did whenever he felt anxious or confused. Lewis watched carefully as his friend blenched and avoided his eyes on the verge of breaking down. It was Nico’s birthday and Lewis couldn’t stand seeing the other so helplessly blue. And if it had felt so good, what was there to be afraid of?

He took the blond’s hand into his own. Their eyes locked and every imaginable word seemed meaningless, every single fear seemed foolish.

Lewis pressed his lips against Nico’s, moving a hand to rest on the crook of the other’s neck. Nico timidly parted his lips to allow Lewis’ tongue in, reaching for his waist to bring their bodies together. They would have gone further had it not been for the sudden knock on the door.

Lewis stood up quickly and jumped into his makeshift bed just before Keke entered the room.

“You boys are still up? What about practice tomorrow morning?” He most probably had been sleeping for the way his eyes fought to stay open. _Thank God_ , Lewis thought, because he wasn’t sure they were able to mask the whole situation.

“Sorry, dad, we were just about to go to sleep,” Nico replied, yawning to add veracity.

His father muttered something else before turning around and walking away. Lewis looked across the room at the blond, not quite sure how he had reacted to the sudden interruption. Nico’s eyes had a mischievous glow; he stretched his arm to reach the light switch turning it off. Lewis still searched for him in the dark, as though he couldn’t fall asleep without knowing the other was still there, that it had been _real_.

“Night, Lewis” Nico whispered to the ceiling.

“Good night” The other replied, dreaming already of unicycles and stolen kisses.

 

* * *

 

**2014\. British Grand Prix.**

They didn’t share the same hotel room anymore. Sometimes they didn’t even stay at the same hotel.

And they never spoke before a race.

But that was a special occasion.

Nico rang the doorbell. He tried to process why he suddenly needed to see the Englishman, what had made him so doubtful of everything. He thought about turning around and walking away, but before he could, Lewis answered the door.

“Nico…” Lewis looked at him like he was seeing some sort of supernatural phenomenon. The German hated that lack of intimacy, the uneasiness they felt around each other.

When had things become so complicated?

He pushed the other into the room, grabbing his collar and smacking their mouths together. There was no time to think, and it would be the worst thing to do in that case.

Lewis tripped over his own feet, losing balance for a moment before holding on firmly to Nico’s waist, bringing their bodies together with enough strength to draw a surprised moan from the blond. Nico pressed his lips against the warmth of Lewis' neck, while the other had his hands everywhere. He still could remember the way the Englishman enjoyed conducting things, too quickly, too recklessly.

Lewis embraced the German and sought his lips as they climbed ravenously his jawline. No matter how long it had been since their last kiss, it would always feel like coming home.

They pulled apart, breathless and dizzy.

“I’m getting married,” Nico whispered, looking deeply into Lewis’ warm, brown eyes.

The Englishman was brought back to reality. Somehow, he had been transported to a different time before F1, Nicole and a championship. A time when Nico wasn’t someone who was neither his friend nor enemy or someone he had already loved and that he currently nurtured some sort of hate.

He forgot there was no home to come back to.

“But if you say that I shouldn’t,” Nico continued, resting one hand on Lewis’ face so as to maintain their eyes on each other. “If you say that I shouldn’t, then I won’t.”

Lewis winced at the tightness in his chest. Somewhere in his mind, the two of them were still chasing each other in go-karts.

“I can’t,” Lewis' voice came as a sigh. He had been trying to conceal his weakness from Nico for so long, trying to find happiness with Nicole even though he knew she would never be the one, and, God, did he wish she were.

Then Nico came to his room and offered everything he had ever wanted, and still, it didn’t seem like a solution.

He was the one losing the Championship; he was the one betrayed when Nico had shown up with a girlfriend, but he wouldn’t be the one to give in.

“Really well thought, Nico, to try messing with my head just before the race,” Lewis spilled the words bitterly. A part of his brain was still depicting the two of them finally together, all those meaningless fights put aside to give way to a life that made sense again.

But Lewis knew it was just too good to be true.

“No, I mean it! I really do,” Nico insisted, his voice dying out as he saw the sceptic, almost cruel look on Lewis’ face. They were so far from who they once had been, so helplessly lost between two versions of themselves — the new and the old.

“Send my best wishes to Vivian” Lewis pulled Nico’s hand away from his face, lingering on the touch for a second because sixteen years couldn’t be easily erased.

The blond had hurt all over his eyes. Lewis couldn’t help feeling immediately guilty for being so harsh, even though they were on bad terms since Monaco — the worse they had ever been.

But because Lewis was Lewis and Nico was Nico, none of it mattered at the moment.

The German left the room as soon as he’d realised he was fighting a losing battle. Lewis stood there watching as the last remnant of his youth went away.

 

* * *

 

**2003\. Macau Grand Prix.**

They’d been emailing each other over the summer. Lewis every once in a while let slip an “I miss you” or “can’t wait to see you again”, and tried really hard not to think of how blunt Nico’s replies sounded.

After 2 years of racing on different series, they would both compete on the Macau Grand Prix. For the first time in his life, Lewis did not care about the race at all. All he could think of was how he would hold Nico in his arms and kiss him like they were about to die — and maybe he had something else in mind he’d been dreaming of since the moment he couldn’t see Nico as just a friend anymore.

They were in public, with a horde of mechanics, team managers, drivers and motorsport enthusiasts around them. Their eyes met and all of a sudden everything else had disappeared. Lewis walked towards the blond in quick steps, almost tripping over his feet as he threw his arms around Nico in a tight hug and buried his face in the crook of the other’s neck. Lewis missed that scent.

“Hello,” The Englishman said with a sigh, almost as he’d been holding his breath since the moment they’d parted ways.

“Hey…” Nico whispered. There was something holding him back as he patted Lewis on the back before pulling away awkwardly. Lewis knew straight away there was something wrong and, no, things weren’t as they had left them.

A beaming girl with tiny eyes and long, blond hair stood behind Nico. The look on his face told Lewis everything he wouldn’t dare say.

“You remember Vivian, right?” The German introduced them with a certain reluctance, unable to speak further with Lewis gazing upon him with restrained hurt on his eyes.

They greeted each other politely. Of course Lewis remembered Vivian and the way Keke had always talked to Nico about her suggestively — and how even though the blond would always be evasive, Lewis couldn’t help but feel jealous.

“Well, Nice seeing you both. I n-need to go now, uh… Good luck, Nico.” He uttered the last words bitterly, disappearing into the crowd.

 

A few hours later, Lewis was back at his hotel room. He had told himself the tears were because of his DNF, and definitely not because of a certain German.

Or if he were to be honest with himself, they were truly because he was the one to blame for ever thinking he and Nico were really a thing.

He decided to go out for a walk and some fresh air before suffocating on his own despair, but he surely wasn’t expecting to find the said subject leaning against the wall just in front of his door, waiting on the hallway for god knows what.

“What are you doing here?” Lewis bluntly asked, not even able to look into his eyes.

“Guess I meant to talk to you about what happened today, but I just couldn’t figure out what to say,” Nico replied, shifting his weight uncomfortably.

Lewis looked at him like he couldn’t believe there was anything left to say as Nico had already made it clear where they stood.

“Can I come in?” The German went on, not sure how to handle Lewis’ obstinate silence. The other took a while to nod his head in agreement, and even after that, it didn’t feel like a real permission.

Somehow, Nico’s uneasiness made Lewis feel unsettled as if it were his fault, and he hated the German even more for that. As he shut the door behind them, he could feel the room getting smaller and hotter, almost unbearable. He thought about how he’d pictured that moment before Nico had shown up with a girlfriend, how he’d imagined being alone with the blond again in a hotel room just like they used to be.

Lewis had always been way too proud; he hated losing, hated when Nico won, even though the German never minded coming second to him — or even tenth, it didn’t matter.

This was almost the same thing. He wouldn’t let Nico win by showing weakness, he could not.

“I don’t have all day, man. Just spit it out.” Lewis knew how harsh he sounded, he knew Nico would flinch and look away before saying anything.

“I didn’t mean to hide it from you. I meant to tell you a thousand times, but I could never bring myself to actually believe in why the hell I was dating Vivian.” Nico paced to and fro as he talked with a trembling voice. “But when I saw you today… God, Lewis, I’m so sorry.”

There were tears gathering in the corner of his eyes. Lewis felt the sudden urge to reach out to him and stroke his golden locks. He wanted so badly to make the pain go away just like in the night they had their first kiss, but this time the fault was all Nico’s — that was what Lewis kept repeating in his head.

“I felt so lost these past two years. Then my family basically forced me to go out with Vivi, and it’s just so easy to be around her—“

“For God’s sake, Nico, you could’ve said no.” Lewis groaned as he let slip the frustration he felt. He was pissed and there was no point hiding it anymore. “Ok, so what does that mean? Do you like her?”

The blond had uncertainty all over his face. That was just too much.

Lewis stepped back, hands in his pockets.  “Ok, I think you should go—“

Nico subtly closed the gap between them, pressing his body pleadingly against Lewis’ and hiding his face in the other’s chest as he paid attention to his unsteady heartbeats. The blond looked up again at those brown, feverish eyes. He felt intimidated by the tactlessness in them, but went on anyway.

“Listen, please… I need this, I need _us_.” Nico cupped his face with both hands, lips so close their breaths merged into one.

Lewis was looking at his best friend, at his heart and soul, and of all the things he had learned since they’d met, he never truly learned to refuse to give Nico anything he asked for.

Years from then, Lewis would remember that he made the first move. He kissed Nico and drove him towards the bed, helping him take off his jacket and t-shirt, then doing the same with his own and tossing them across the room. Nico sat on the edge of the bed, still holding Lewis’ hand as if asking for guidance. He sensed there was more to the Englishman’s deep, constant gaze, but it was nevertheless undecipherable. Nico trailed his fingers through Lewis’ waistband, never taking his eyes off the other. Lewis nodded, already feeling his cock pulsing, and the other obeyed promptly, unzipping his jeans and sliding it down. He shook it off and climbed on top of Nico, who lay on the mattress as the other straddled him. Lewis rocked his crotch against the blond, leaning forward to plant soft kisses on his lips and down his chin, pausing every once in a while to look deep down into his eyes to reassure they both wanted the same thing.

Nico slid his hands upward through Lewis’ back, surprised by how expressively his body had changed in the course of two years: shy muscles had given way to stiffer ones and his shoulders seemed wider. The blond wasn’t used to the sheer sexual desire he felt for Lewis just then; when they were both kids, the kisses were simply kisses and they never had got past this. The two were constantly worried about maintaining their friendship like it was somehow more important than what they truly felt for each other.

That was how Lewis convinced himself it didn’t matter that Nico would still be with Vivian – and that he may have implicitly affirmed that he liked her a bit too much — because their relationship was on another level, one that they could not even understand.

And that was how he shut up his reasoning when he went down between Nico’s legs, hands working fast on opening his jeans and taking it off along with his underwear. He looked up, finding Nico’s eyes on him, watching closely all his movements. The blond panted as Lewis took him fully into his mouth, jerking his hips upward instinctively and closing his tights around the other.

Lewis clearly had never done that. Nico could notice his hesitation — and at the same time eagerness —, how his tongue glided through the blond’s dick almost mechanically before learning which spots caused shivers to go all over the German’s body. Nico loved the way Lewis was trying to find each and every thing he could do to drive the other insane; the grip on his thighs, the slow movement of Lewis’ hand going up and down his cock and overall the synchrony they shared.

Nico bit his lower lip, a tension building up on his abdomen as he arched his back, eyes closed and heart beating twice as fast. “Lewis…” he let slip a long moan as the words got lost in the ecstasy of the moment. And then Lewis backed off, looking at him playfully. He opened his eyes, bemused and a bit annoyed, demanding an explanation.

“I don’t want you to come just yet.” Lewis with those swollen lips and beady eyes was probably the most beautiful, mesmerizing thing Nico had ever seen. For a second, he got caught up in the sheer delight of observing Lewis. He laid there, watching as the other stripped off his underwear and leaned forward, pressing their bodies together while they kissed with a renewed sense of purpose, a need for one another.

Nico embraced him and flipped them on the bed, getting on top of Lewis and between his legs. Lewis put a hand on his belly as if holding him back. Their eyes met, a blend of uncertainty and hastiness.

“Are you okay?” The German asked, sitting back on his heels.

Lewis froze. He had the words trapped inside his mouth: _it’s a mistake. It will hurt me, it will hurt you, what good will it make?_

But looking straight through those green eyes which so heavily weighed upon him, the worries seemed pointless and all he could see was the boy he loved and who he knew loved him as well. Nothing could change that, nothing in the whole world could tear them apart as long as they had each other.

Except maybe themselves, but Lewis ignored that part.

“It’s nothing.” He let his hand fall back onto the mattress.

Nico bent forward, pressing their lips as he introduced one finger into him. Lewis moaned against the other’s mouth, burying his fingers deep into the skin of his back. Nico pushed one more finger into his hole, gently moving them inside him and loosening him up slowly while sucking on his neck. He pulled them out, drawing a brief gasp from Lewis, and started to push his dick into him. Lewis squirmed, but didn’t allow Nico to back off as he deepened the grip on his back. The blond took Lewis’ cock and stroked it gently as he thrust in and out slowly at first, then gradually increasing the rhythm. Their bodies were pressed against each other, Lewis’ tights around his hips squeezed him harder whenever he wanted Nico to go faster.

Nico rocked himself back and forth a couple of times before letting slip a dragged-out groan from his lips as he collapsed on top of Lewis. It didn’t take long until Lewis came all over his stomach with a loud gasp as the blond continued to masturbate him, the contraction of his muscles around Nico's cock almost driving the German insane.

Nico buried his face in his neck, breathing unsteadily. They stood still for a moment, panting into each other’s skin, until Nico pulled his cock out of Lewis with a soft moan and got off of him, lying by his side with his head on his chest.

Lewis took a lock of his hair which had clung to his sweaty forehead and tucked it behind his ear. Even though he used to call Nico ‘the golden boy’ to piss the other, now he could feel as though the German was really made of gold, shining and everything. Lewis was in awe of the way Nico could light up his world, but he also feared he might turn blind.

He brought the blond closer, embracing him by the shoulder, and they both fell asleep in each other’s arms.

 

* * *

 

**2017**

Lewis saw Nico on a regular basis as neighbours did. The cordiality of these meetings was worse than any argument they’d ever had, worse than the day Nico got married and Lewis stopped answering his calls or the months after the blond had announced his retirement when Lewis got absolutely nothing nice to say about his former teammate. Indifference simply hurt way too much.

But Lewis should be grateful they didn’t hate each other anymore. Maybe they could never be friends again and it was for the best that they at least maintained a level of respect for each other.

Who was he trying to fool?

Sometimes he liked to dive into the swimming pool and challenge himself to hold his breath for as long as he could. The silence worked as some kind of sanctuary where he could hide from his thoughts, from everything. As he rose to the surface, he could see someone standing above him, at the edge of the swimming pool. It took him a while to figure out who that was, but as soon as he did, he just wanted to dive in again.

“I thought you were still in LA.” Lewis didn’t mean to sound so disappointed, even because it shouldn’t bother him anymore to be in Nico’s presence.

“I’ve just got back, actually.” The blond replied, taking his flip-flops as he sat down with both legs half underwater. Lewis wasn’t exactly fond of the proximity. “How’s it going?”

“Nothing much” Lewis responded dryly.

Nico’s watery smile began to fade as he realised Lewis had no interest whatsoever in continuing with the conversation. “Right, uh…”

Lewis wasn’t even listening to him anymore, he just got out of the pool and wrapped a towel around his waist. “I’d better get going.”

“Stay, I’m leaving anyway.” Nico didn’t even care to mask the hurt he felt. The way Lewis looked at him like he would rather be somewhere else — or with someone else — was devastating. It never stopped aching since their first fight over a race, Nico doubted it would ever come to an end. “I hope one day things can go back to normal.” He muttered as he turned away to leave the pool deck.

“Normal like what? Like you cheating on your wife and me trashing hotel rooms because you fucked up my race?” Lewis followed him to the building’s lobby, pressing the lift button as Nico leaned against the wall with a defeated expression. He was so tired of that shit, so damn tired.

Nico had run out of ways to say he was sorry, but he would keep trying because there was nothing else left to do.

“I mean before all of this when we were just friends.”

“And forget everything that’s happened?” Lewis had come closer, cornering the blond “This will never work.”

The lift arrived and the doors slid apart. They entered it and stood facing each other, their backs against the wall.

“Why not? You could come over for dinner and meet Naila—”

“I couldn’t, Nico.” Lewis dropped his gaze. The lift fell silent for a moment, then he looked again at the blond with empty eyes “I would always want more.”

In an alternate universe, Nico would have kissed him and let himself be led to Lewis’ apartment where they would've had sex and curled up in bed until the next morning. They would've fixed things up by remembering the good old days and Lewis would've even told Nico that before they met he absolutely hated the blond, and they would've laughed because it wouldn’t even matter anymore. Nothing would matter and things would finally be alright.

But in that universe, Nico had a family and Lewis never said he loved him.

“You could’ve had more.” The blond wasn’t bitter over it; he sounded resigned, which stung Lewis worse than anything.

He had managed to deal with this regret over the years by repeating to himself that it wouldn’t have made any difference, that Nico had never meant what he said that day. How the hell could Lewis believe that Nico would really give up his stable relationship with Vivian for a turbulent one with him?

But the truth he wasn’t prepared to face up until then was that there was no way he could’ve known.

“Yeah, but I was mad at you,” Lewis replied, no anger or disappointment in his voice, just pure tranquillity and acceptance after all those years. “At that time I guess there was already too much damage to whatever it was that we had.”

They arrived at Lewis’ floor. He stepped out of it, holding the door open.

“I think we were meant to be, Nico, I really do. I’m not that kind of person who believes things happen exactly as they were supposed to, at least not when it comes to you. We fucked it up, end of story.”

Nico barely sustained his gaze; his trembling, half-parted lips tried to form idle sentences that could somehow deny those words. Lewis stepped back into the lift, raising one hand in Nico’s direction. He hesitated before gently resting it on the side of his face, thinking he liked him better with long hair.

“Take care,” Lewis whispered as he pulled away, allowing the doors to close.


End file.
